I don't think it's much of a stretch to connect giving someone a flower to what relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman call a bid for connection.
The Gottmans have spent decades studying what makes relationships work, and one of their most compelling findings is that the little moments matter. The small gestures. The everyday attempts to reach toward another person.
Just the simple act of saying, Hey, I'm thinking about you. You matter to me.
And when I think about it, that's exactly what giving someone a flower is.
One of the things that has surprised me most about owning a flower shop is how impressed I am with our customers. The things they say. The things they do. The little ways they find to stay tethered to one another.
I have the best seat in the house in such a positive business.
Earlier this summer, I gave a single flower to a young woman who looked dead in her own skin. I don't know what she was carrying that day, but it seemed heavy.
I watched something change in her when I handed her that flower. It was as though her head and her heart reconnected for a moment. She came alive.
Maybe it helped her find her way out of whatever she was going through and back to a better place, even if only for a minute.
I think we get disconnected from ourselves and from each other so easily. And sometimes it can be awfully hard to fight our way back.
Brené Brown reminds us “We don’t have to do this alone, we weren’t meant to”
And John Delony puts it another way:
"Whatever struggle is in front of you, know this: You're stronger than you think you are. You can take the next right step. You can do the impossible thing. You probably can't do it alone—so get a gang."
Of course he is right, how did we ever lose this knowledge? But how exactly does one get a "gang"?
Well, I think our customers are showing me.
Here are some actual messages we've had the privilege of sending along with flowers this year:
For someone grieving a beloved dog:
"We are so sorry you had to put H***** down. I can't imagine how sad you are! We know he was such a buddy to K**** growing up, and such a significant part of your family."
For a friend beginning a new chapter:
"Happy first day at your new job! We're excited for your next chapter to begin and really proud of ALL that you do. You're an amazing doctor & they are very lucky to have you join their team. You're also a wonderful friend and WE'RE lucky to have you."
For someone deeply loved:
"You are my light. —Love S****"
For someone with a bold love language:
"Roses are red, violets are blue, Japan's snow is up to my neck, but I'd rather be tits deep with you."
(I'm telling you, we have the best customers.)
For a birthday girl:
"Happy Birthday to our sweet Rylie. We love you very much and hope you have lots of fun on your day!"
For another family saying goodbye to a beloved companion:
"Our heart goes out to you as you say goodbye to T****. He was a special boy who brought light during difficult days, and his bond with the deer in the yard was such a beautiful reminder of his peaceful spirit."
And another:
"Thinking of you guys and your sweet L*** and all the love you shared. What a gift you all were to each other. We are so sorry for your loss."
For a best friend, from afar:
"Happy Birthday to the most beautiful human in the world. I love you so much. Wish I was closer to celebrate you see you soon bestie babe."
And perhaps my favorite kind of message:
"Will you marry me? I'll be at a big house south of here around October 12th. I love you."
*** The names and details have been changed to protect the thoughtful and caring.
The longer I do this, the more I want to emulate the people walking through our doors.
I want to compliment people more. Encourage them more. Reach out when someone crosses my mind instead of just thinking about it and moving on.
I want to get better at sitting with people in hard things. Not rushing to fix them or filling the silence with clichés and tired sayings. Just being there.
I want to celebrate people's victories and show up for their heartbreaks.
I want to be the kind of person who makes those little bids for connection, and the kind of person who notices when someone else is making one.
Because maybe that's how we build our gang.
Know that I'm listening to Death Cab For Cutie at a really high volume while writing this. This music makes so much more sense in the Bellingham rain. It also helps me find my way back to the best version of me.
By Steve | mod + liv
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